The world is playing out the distorted family systems behaviors in a textbook fashion right now

In a family, there are multiple psychological roles

In an operational system, the roles rotate.

Anyone can be the scapegoat.

Anyone can be the lost child.

Anyone can be the hero.

The mascot.

The caretaker.

The identified patient (this is where a person’s physical or psychological ailments are the expression of the family trauma)

In a dysfunctional system each role is only ever played by one single person and that becomes their “identity” within the family unit.

In a distorted family system, when a member tries to change their role within the system, the rest of the family will unconsciously punish them for changing the dynamic and will actively try to pull them into their old role.

This usually ends one of three ways:

1. Best case scenario: the family adapts and accepts that the member no longer plays the old role. All relationships realign to allow for this.

This is the most uncommon result since the entire system is built on the psychological foundation of “everyone plays their role” so they are most resistant to changing that and it feels like a betrayal.

2. Worst case scenario: the one who was trying to change capitulates and reverts back to keep the peace, potentially living some kind of half life where they are one person with their family, and different outside of it.

3. Neutral scenario: The family has some kind of separation or distance. Neither one is willing to bend and the family member who is evolving puts space between themselves and the family.

We are currently watching the scapegoats of society no longer be willing to be oppressed.

And we are watching the “family” respond by fighting to pull them back into their place.

It is super easy to identify which role you were assigned in your unit.

If you are the scapegoat, lost child, caretaker or identified patient of your family, you will deeply root for the oppressed and celebrate the change in position.

If you are the mascot, you’ll be fretting about what’s happening, wondering why we can’t all get along.

If you are the hero, you’ll be thinking that everyone is overreacting and causing a bunch of unnecessary drama. And there are really no problems at all.

For those who are rising, keep rising. You deserve to take whatever role in society you damn well please.

To those who are worried about why we can’t all get along, sometimes sides of people disagree about what’s right and there isn’t an easy solution.

Eg. Some people think “you should stay in your place”, “you are my property” or “you don’t belong here” and the others think “incorrect”. There is no middle ground for compromise. There is only one of them changing their minds.

To those who really don’t understand what all the fuss is about, you may, in fact, be part of the problem. My invitation is to try to understand why a sibling may not always want to be in trouble, no matter how much they try to meet the expectations of the parent, when you can do nothing wrong.

This bit is messy, guys.

The ones who’ve never used their voices to speak up for themselves will vomit all over everyone as the impacted energy behind their suppression gains release, and then balance. (Much like an oil pocket being found in the Earth. It sprays 1 mile up into the air to release the pressure)

The ones who have decades (or centuries) of stored anger from boundary violations, will volcano until they find a more neutral way to set firm, loving boundaries with consequences.

The ones who were getting exactly what they wanted before will rage against the change because they did not sanction it and they don’t want it.

Eg. If you give a 3 year old 5 cookies before dinner every night, you will see the same reaction on the first night you say no to cookies.

But change we must. This is not working for humanity.

It’s time to find a different way.

Each of us have a personal responsibility to NOT perpetuate the trauma, which means that no matter where you fall in the family system, it is your responsibility to heal the wounds you received.

You’re not saying it was okay. You don’t even have to forgive it.

But you do have to make sure you don’t hand it on to someone else.
💜Abi