𝐎𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐈’𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐚𝐥𝐮𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐲 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲
Sep 15, 2024
Doing what you say you’re going to do wasn’t modeled for me, and after some swift and painful slaps from people I respected early in adulthood I decided to become a person of my word. (Which I was absolutely NOT, prior to that moment)
Over time, I’ve prided myself on becoming more and more integrous. Scanning for areas and places where I hadn’t followed through and making amends or closing the loop and following through.
I did this:
Even when I didn’t want to Even if it was out of alignment Even if it hurt me to do it Even if the other person/ people were out of integrity Even if the other person/ people had broken their agreements Even if I was being delusional about any part of the agreement still being operationalAnd it was recently reflected back to me (by my super wise coach Suzanne)
What good is being in integrity with others if you’re out of integrity with yourself?
I wondered: Is that even 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 integrity? Or is that actually martyrdom?
So… during this phoenix phase 🐦🔥 I’m going through, I’m beginning to scan for places I’m out of integrity with myself.
Places I’ve been ignoring myself.
Suppressing how I actually feel about something.
Playing nice not to disappoint others.
Hurting myself by violating my own boundaries and then ignoring the fact that I’m doing that.
Giving 
where others aren’t matching me, and rather than adjusting, giving more to compensate.
where others aren’t matching me, and rather than adjusting, giving more to compensate.Not following through with consequences, for crossed (and communicated) boundaries, so as to not disappoint others.
The amount of times I will violate my own boundary and abandon myself in order to not disappoint others has struck me.
There are renegotiations within myself that need to be done, that I actually can’t tell at the face if they are things I want to do or things I will do so I won’t let someone down.
And although it’s disappointing to see this… because I really wish I was beyond self-abandonment at this point, it’s necessary not only to look right at it and deal with it…
It’s also necessary to share it with you so that YOU know when you get ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒, you aren’t behind. You’re not failing. You don’t need to give up.
It’s ALLLLLLLLLLL part of a process that will continue to evolve.
And that’s okay.
And so are you. And me too. 
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