𝐄𝐍𝐑𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐃 𝐚𝐭 𝐚 𝐝𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭//

Last weekend I found myself super triggered by the most unlikely thing

Women who seemed to effortlessly stay in their feminine energy

Because even though I stay in mine most of the time now, it’s still a 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑠𝑐𝑖𝑜𝑢𝑠 effort.

I caught myself thinking all kinds of unhelpful stories like:

“𝐼𝑡’𝑠 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑓𝑎𝑖𝑟！ 𝑊ℎ𝑦’𝑠 𝑖𝑡 𝑠𝑜 𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑦 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑚 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑠𝑜 ℎ𝑎𝑟𝑑 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑒?”

“𝐼’𝑙𝑙 𝑛𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑝𝑜𝑖𝑛𝑡 𝑤ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝐼 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑦 𝑟𝑒𝑙𝑎𝑥𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑛 𝑚𝑦 𝑓𝑒𝑚𝑖𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑒 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑎 𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ𝑡”

“𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑦 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑜 𝑔𝑟𝑎𝑐𝑒𝑓𝑢𝑙 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝐼’𝑚 𝑠𝑜 𝑐𝑙𝑢𝑚𝑠𝑦”

I took myself back to my cabin to work through some of the turmoil that was roiling around inside my heart

And I discovered an unseen, unaccepted part of me that was screaming to be loved.

It was the part of me that had held me in my masculine for survival purposes.

She implored me to understand her rather than shame her.

She said:

Of course I had to lead. It was me and no one else.

I’ve been the financially responsible, single mom with no outside support for 15 years.

I started and grew a successful business supporting others.

I had to be in control. I couldn’t sacrifice surrendering to unhealthy men, who we would have become lost in - that would have led us away from our path.

I had to hold us.

If I didn’t, we all would have died. Homeless, penniless on the street, of starvation.

I took the reins out of necessity.

Please stop shaming me. Please stop hating me. Please see that what I did was out of love and protection for us all.

And I wept. Because I knew she was right.

For so long, I had been shaming myself for having stayed in my wounded masculine, controlling energy without pausing to acknowledge the necessity of it.

So I honored her in every way I could think of. I paid homage to every time she held instead of allowing herself to be held, because my historically unhealthy relationship patterns would’ve led us to imminent disaster. I thanked her for every single time she stood tall, instead of collapsing. For every time she said “no thank you, I’ve got it” when she really would have rather said “yes please, take over forever”.

And when she felt seen, heard and understood, she was ready to be dissolved & released in grace and gratitude.

For those were old, necessary patterns. They don’t belong at my current frequency.

It was one of the most beautiful, liberating moments of my life. To see, accept and love a part of myself I had only felt embarrassed about prior to that moment.

If you can relate, and you are ready, I invite you to do the same.