Dragon Wrestler Extraordinaire!
Mar 16, 2022
If my life was a forest, I’m in the deepest, darkest part wrestling the dragon
If it was a state, I’m in the swamps of Florida
If it was a house, I’m sitting in front of the most packed closet and it’s contents are strewn haphazardly all around me. Turns out I also shoved some food in here a long time ago and I’m trying to find it
I keep tripping over stuff.
Taking chunks of flesh out of my existence.
It’s always interesting to me to go through a deconstruction/ reconstruction because every time it happens, it’s usually right after… with a self-satisfied sigh, I’ve thought …
“Man. I’ve really got my shit together”
Initially, this process was terrifying.
It’s so humbling to find such deep, undealt-with trauma tucked away in a corner of your mind that has never seen the light of day.
It’s especially humbling to find that when you’re the person who HELPS people with that particular journey.
But I’m in a human body so I can’t escape humanity.
I’m trying to be okay with that, and until I am, it’s okay that I’m not.
There are many bright spots though, as I stumble clumsily through this part of my healing
I suppose there must be something in the space I am creating within my vortex and my humility to give God full control that is allowing straight miracles to happen for my clients.
I’m realizing I’m important. To me.
I’m realizing I’m not alive to serve.
There is sooooo much untold peace and stillness that is being created in my heart and mind, deeper than I’ve ever experienced before, as I detach from externally based validation.
Yesterday, I read that one of the ways you can learn how to be there for yourself is to ask yourself in each moment
“What do I need to take care of myself?”
At first, my answer was “I don’t know
” It’s not a question I’ve ever asked myself before. I’ve never trusted myself to take care of myself. In fact, it’s so foreign, that I keep forgetting the question. I’m glad I wrote it down.
But just the simple practice of checking in every so often and figuring out what I need to take care of myself, and then doing it, has already comforted me more than any other human could.
I now know that I am not here simply to serve. That my job is not to rescue the world. I also know that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be so I’m not too worried about where I’m going to end up.
I know I’m a helper and a healer. But I’m learning to detach from that being my identity, and letting it be something I love to do.
I’m slowing down, so I don’t overcommit.
I’m taking a pause before each action I do so it’s in alignment with what I want, and not just because it’s what I do.
I’m taking a breath, while I pencil out what I want my life to look like. For me.
Which is something I’ve never allowed myself to do before
I’ve historically designed my life based on:
- What I thought I should achieve
- The amount of good I should be putting into the world
- The amount of service I should be doing
- The amount of money I needed to do the things that I should be doing
What do I want?
How do I want to feel?
What do I want my life to feel like?
What do I want my days to look like and feel like?
And as I’m healing, I realize:
My thoughts are valid, whether anyone agrees with me/ validates them or not
I exist (and have the right to) whether I’m serving someone or not
I am still valid if someone actively DISAGREES with me… in fact we both are. And that’s okay
I can work on my own timeline whether it’s too fast or too slow for someone else (including other parts of me!!!!)
Since there’s no final destination and there’s no deadline by which I’m supposed to get to this non-existent place, I can relax. And make sure I’m okay each step of the way. Fully and completely.
May you join me in this dark forest wandering on your own journey sometime soon.
I deeply desire for you to have the liberation of soul that I have glimpsed in just a short amount of time.
I also desire to stop using filters!! First one here
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