𝐈’𝐦 𝐦𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐲 “𝐜𝐚𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐝𝐲” 𝐩𝐡𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐭’𝐬 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐩 𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐛𝐮𝐥𝐥𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐭//

Weeks ago my Higher Self (the closest aspect of me to Oneness consciousness) presented me with a challenge that made me sick :

To get into a space where I’m okay with 𝑛𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 being in a relationship again, and to 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 that I will still have an 𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐳𝐢𝐧𝐠 life!

Ugh!

Not my favorite to hear. And I reacted so hard it put me in bodily convulsions.

Because, the thing is, I’ve been in a relationship consistently since I was 12 years old.

I have oriented my entire being around the certainty of my long time loving partnership. Everything in my behavior has been geared towards this “knowing”. Every healing choice was be𝑐𝑎𝑢𝑠𝑒 of this eventuality.

To be asked to give that up, felt like being asked to give up my heart. And live some kind of half life without it, for the rest of my days.

I used to call myself a romantic

But what the actual root wounding revealed was that without parents to stabilize my psyche, my child mind made an assumption that the only way I would ever feel accepted, safe, protected and loved would be in a romantic relationship.

With this request, I felt like I was being asked to give up ever feeling accepted, safe, protected and loved.

(When of course, the truth is that I was being invited to be my own source of those, and not make it someone else’s job)

That narrative about relationships became deeply woven with many other bullshit societal beliefs about relationships.

Some of which I have discovered being:

I’m not a whole person without a partner

True happiness can only be experienced with a partner to validate you & witness your experiences

I’m not physically or financially safe without a partner

Love is most valid when it comes from a partner. Other kinds of love (from friendships etc) are lesser types of love

I will be excluded from some kind of secret club that only people in romantic relationships of some sort are given access to

All my life adventures (travel, exotic experiences) will be empty and dull without someone to kiss during sunsets.

As some of these narratives started to unravel from the tapestry of my innermost, hidden beliefs, I felt disgusted. And ashamed.

How could I be 11 years into my healing journey and still carry beliefs this untrue?

I saw that my Higher Self was right.

My standard for love is set to EPIC. I’m not available for anything less.

And in order to have a healthy experience of it, the old, toxic, yucky narratives have to be unstitched from the core fabric of my being.

And that’s not something I’ll have space to do in a relationship.

So here I am.

Leaning into my cat lady season.

Or as one of my best friends Tiffany puts it:

𝐼𝑡’𝑠 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑒𝑛𝑗𝑜𝑦 𝑎 𝑠𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑦 𝑜𝑤𝑛 𝑠𝑢𝑛𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑒

Let’s see what it brings.