𝐅𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈’𝐦 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭//

I’m not so much breaking into pieces, as the false constructs that held my humanity together are being melted from the inside out, and I don’t have bones to hold myself up. Metaphorically. Literally, I still have bones guys, do not send help.

Cue: pile of goo stage.

3 days ago in a healing session with Suzanne, I discovered (and started deconstructing) two things:

1 ) My higher self is asking me to get okay with the idea that I might never be in a relationship again, knowing deeply that I’ll still have an exceptional life.

Ugh.

2 ) Which unlocked the false belief:  𝐵𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑛 𝑎 𝑟𝑒𝑙𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑝 𝑖𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑙𝑦 𝑤𝑎𝑦 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑑． Every other kind of love is lesser. It doesn’t count.

Woof.

Lately, I’ve also been having a reoccurring issue with feeling unimportant, so yesterday I decided to dissolve the original emotion loop that created a different false belief:

𝐼𝑓 𝐼’𝑚 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑠𝑖𝑑𝑒𝑟𝑒𝑑 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑡𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑎𝑠 𝑖𝑓 𝐼’𝑚 “𝑖𝑚𝑝𝑜𝑟𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑡” 𝑎𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑏𝑙𝑒， 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝐼 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑏𝑒 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑑𝑒𝑑．

They are such core threads of my supposed identity, that I feel like an amorphous blob without them.

I know neither of them are true. And yet they each held upright pillars in my core being and without them, I feel more of a wisp of smoke aimlessly floating.

The apathy is present, I suspect, to hide some deep cellular grief about to be released.

Betrayal, at being lied to about these things by society.

Mourning the traditional relationship that I’ll never have because it is too embedded with society’s distorted, unhealthy programs about what makes a match. One person being singularly responsible for your wellbeing. In the absence of which, you are a lesser person. Only a half.

Most importantly, I shed these things willingly. I will not stand by and do nothing, while higher frequency versions of my happiness and life exist in potential reality.

But being with this version of me is strange.

This formless version that doesn’t feel the way I used to but also isn’t sure how I 𝑑𝑜 feel now.

I see the dishes, and they don’t leave an impression on me.

I see the trash piling over and it is so inconsequential it literally doesn’t register.

I feel the “I’m supposed to be working” edge, that has a list of things for me to accomplish, and I sweep it to the side.

Because what I really want, is just to be soft with myself. Today, I want to sit. I want to stare. I want to write if I feel like I have something to say. I want to just feel what I’m feeling. Even if what I’m feeling is nothing.

I suspect it’s not nothing. I suspect it’s a log jam of emotions grappling to escape simultaneously and so blocking the exit.

Either way. I’m okay. And so are you.

If you can relate, try it with me.

Just for today, put down your to-do list, pick up a pillow, and be soft with yourself